Mothers and sons and girlfriends and growing pains

I have recently worked out just how incredibly lucky I have been in life with regards marriage or should I say the additions which accompany the husband in marriage. By this gibberish I mean I have avoided being landed with one of those dreaded negative mother-in-law the world talks about, those who are to be held accountable for the mother-in-law jokes scattered throughout the world! Unfortunately it appears to be the male's mother who seems to be the firelighter in these relationships. The repetitive story of ‘no girl will ever be good enough for my son’ type. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that some of those mothers-in-law out there are very well behaved. You will know who you are because your married children will tell you! However as we all know there are some shockers out there and if you don’t believe me, just watch Dr Phil on TV….he has some real doozies on the show.

History tells us that women are the nurturers, we bear and look after the children, we look after the home and the husband, and hold down a job along with hopefully sprinkling somewhere in there some “me” time. Clearly this woman is incredible. On the other hand, the male works. A slight imbalance in duties here but that is the way it is. He has been the major breadwinner in the family as history states, but times are certainly changing in that area as women seem to also be very decent pay packet earners.

I hear many of you guys blurting out what about the wife’s mother. Yeah, sure. That incredible person, a mother who has raised this woman and who has nurtured this woman into the wife that this guy now desires to live with for the rest of his life. So doesn’t that mean she has done something right? Look fellas as the saying goes, look at the wife’s mother and you will see what your wife will turn into. If you don’t like what you see…..don’t marry her daughter. Dah!

That mother-son bond is really something else. So why the power of the mother over the son? Well she is his nurturer through life. Beginning in early childhood, a very strong bond is established in which the mother becomes the little boy's object of tremendous feelings of love and affection. If dad is absent for whatever reason, maybe due to having an occupation which takes him away from his family for long hours or is simply absent, the mother is this boys constant. She is the light of his life, so to speak. He models his likes and dislikes on this woman. Later on, she becomes the model by which the young man chooses a girlfriend and eventually a wife. If you recall the song "I want to marry a girl, just like the girl, that married dear old Dad" there it is!

As these boys mature, mothers who are dependent on their boys for affection, support or love, believe they are exempt from the changes taking place in their sons. They are not. The love, companionship and closeness that formerly comforted both of them has now been tainted by the young man's sexuality. He now sees his mum as trying to control him and as being prying and invasive. What brings him peace is not her love, but distance from her. He will obtain that distance any way he can. That includes verbalizing the desire to go live with someone else. The mother is devastated and does everything to hold on to that source of love and affection. Cue the girlfriend, someone to look after him without the smothering and ‘no one will be good enough for my son’ attitude.

Female behaviour develops slightly differently. Distance is definitely sought to prove herself as a young women. However young women are those nurturers and future mothers and seem to latch on to this idealism pretty quickly in life and become less dependent on their mothers being far more willing to step out and nurture. Cue the boyfriend, someone to nurture and love.

To confirm this, in a fairly recent relationship poll, when females were asked why they marry, the major reason was ‘I fell in love.’ When males were polled the major reason was ‘to have someone to look after me.’ See it is true.

So as the mother of a daughter who will, maybe, one day marry, I am allowing myself to watch this exact thing happen to my daughter in front of my eyes. She wants to nurture and is able to do this with her boyfriend and boyfriends to come until she choses the 'one.' Her boyfriend is undergoing the above mentioned changes with his mother, replacing her, or at least starting the process in readiness for that day somewhere in his future when he will decide to replace her with the girl of his dreams whoever she may be. Life is fascinating…..it is inevitable.

Now I can hear some of those mothers of sons out there who will be upset and take this all too personally because they think that they are a potentially interfering mother-in-law, am I? Maybe you are already are? Here is some advice from all of those wives out there who are nurturing and loving your sons: Don't just volunteer your opinon in their lives....wait to be invited. We know most of you mean well but some of you just can't help but stick your nose in without invitation. Think before you speak.

Here is something I read recently in an article about a mother feeling left out…..”A wise friend once told me, many years ago, that to celebrate her own birthday she took presents to her mother as thanks for bringing her into the world, acknowledging all the hard work and dedication that it involves.” Oh, how lovely. I can’t see that happening to me and my eighteen year old offspring for a little while yet, however ‘this too shall pass.’